Too Many Reds in The Rovers

Yesterdays lecture afforded me a little more understanding of what we're doing here .I can see that my idea doesn't only come from watching Coronation St but also from a brit series called 'Life on Mars' ,perhaps even the Truman Show-which I've never seen but realise what the plots about.Because I now understand more of the roots of this inter-textual exercise I felt I should do an introductory episode where myself and my children are placed smack bang in the middle of Coronation St. Firstly I use the vehicle of being an extra to get there then , upon waking in the Rovers after too many red wines, it dawns on me that I'm stuck in an alter world. The series is actually real! And I'm in it! As this realisation solidify's I need to work out how I'm going to use my knowledge of characters and the script to navigate my way through interactions and relationships in the hope of appearing 'normal'. These first few scenes introduce us to what it might be like to spend an hour or so in the 'reality' of the Coronation St series.

' Too many Reds in The Rovers.'

I couldn't believe it! Here I was leaning on the bar of The Rovers Return sipping a cheap red out of a cheap glass.I'd watched this series for years and felt tickled pink to be appearing as an extra.
Make up had done an amazing job with the dark shadows under my eyes, with a good kilo of foundation mind you.When the director had seen my kids he'd decided to write them in for a scene later in the week.Hence my role was a sewing machininst trying out for the day at UnderWorld and invited on to the Xmas bash across the road at the Rovers.I was a 'single mum newly moved to the area,two kids , starting a new life.' Ironic!
After the scene it didn't take long for me to feel the effects of the alcohol, after all we'd done four takes . I began to slump despite all the gregarity, wondering how my kids were getting on at my grandmothers .I'd actually soent a lot of my childhood living not 20 miles from the studios in Manchester and my extended family still lived here. We were staying with them.
My musings were interupted by Ken Barlow -Bill- leaning over me to offer another red wine .
" It's a fabulous vintage" he enthused "You have to try some , see how it compares to NZ Wine."
It was good. Exceptionally in fact.But it wasn't until later that I'd realise what a terrible mistake this was. For now though the ample pile of coats in the corner of the booth beckoned warmly so I lay my head down...just for a minute.

A noise not dissimilar to a freight train passing within a metre of my head woke me with a start. It was Liz McDonald vaccuming.
" You'll fit right in over the road if you can drink like that love" she shouted over the droning motor.After she switched it off she came closer as I clumsily rubbed the sleep out of my eye's and the dribble off my chin. I looked down to where I'd been lying and was disgusted to think of the multitude of backsides that had sat right where my face was lastnight.
I tried to smile as Liz studied me , shaking her head.
" We thought we'd leave you where you were love. No one could wake you."
Then it occured to me...the children!
"What time is it Liz, I mean , erm,what's your name again, sorry." She looked blank so I pressed on at the same time as shuffling my bum along the seat so she'd move and let me out.
"It's my kids, I hope they're ok, my gran's in her seventies ...I'd better call"
" Oh come on" she replied "your little cherubs are fine. Rita called earlier to say they're alright.That's why I woke you up. I told her to make the tea good and strong!"
"Rita...my children...where are they?"I began to raise my voice as panic set in.
Whats-her-name steadied me as I tried to jump up from the seat-they're much lower than they look on T.V- and helped me to the door.
I pulled my phone out of my ultra-tight cast jeans pocket to call my grandmother only to find it wasn't my phone.The Pink Motorola in my pocket must surely have been part of my costume though I can't say I remembered that.At that moment though it rung. I answered ,trying to control the pitch of my waivering voice.
"Hello...Hi , Sally here"
"Who?"the womans voice sounded familiar
"Sally, who are you?" I suddenly had no time for manners.
"Hayley.UnderWorld. I thought that was Susan's phone. Never mind love. If you see her can you tell her she's got the job. Hope she feels better after lastnight. We've never had anyone dancing on the bar before!"
I hung up. I turned round to Liz as she struggled reaching up to unbolt the door.
"What's going on ?" I asked her , holding back my tears."Where are the cameras?"
"Oh Dear. Sounds like you've been drinking more than wine. Calm down petal."
I was in two minds by now ,if indeed the ball of wool in my head could pass for a mind. Should I stop and burst out laughing or play along? Liz ushered me out onto the pavement as Dev pulled up in
his Audi TT. He gave me an especially creamy smile before he dissapeared inside and I caught myself whispering under my breath what a slimey git he really was...Really was? What was I thinking?I was on the studio of Coronation Street for Christ's Sake!
"Look , this is all really very funny I'm sure" I began then trailed off as Tracey Barlow shimmied passed pushing Amy's buggy.I could swear she gave me a conspiritorial glance as she asked Liz to pick Amy up after dinner.Did I talk to her lastnight ?I couldn't remember.Feeling a little sick now I let Liz steer me over the road to The Cabin. I said nothing more. I just wanted to see my children! As we approached I half expected Norris to come mincing out when suddenly the door to the upstairs flat flew open.
"Mummy , Mummy" enthused my 7 yr old boy,Alfie."Mummy we've had loads of fun.Why haven't we ever met your Grandma Rita before?" With that ,Rita descended the stairs slowly aided by my 8 yr old daughter in full cabaret dress -up.
"Mum , look at me! Granny Rita gave me these to play in.There's some for you if you want..."shouted Rosa excitedly. I pushed Liz away and grabbed my son , gesticulating wildly for my daughter to come down to me. But she looked unsure , scared even.
"Mummy what's wrong?" she ventured slowly.
I was interupted by the agitated tones of Norris hectoring Rita about a lost newspaper at 21 Rosamund St.
"Oh for God's sake use yer marbles Norris" she replied "I'm busy!" Then she turned her attention to me. Me,standing stock still almost ready to burst into tears.
"Eeh by 'eck you do look a state.Let's get you up the stairs. Rosa , up the stairs quick sharp lovey , your mum doesn't look too clever. Watch that feather Boa , if you trip on that it'll be the death of us all" Rita chuckled.
I sat down gingerly on the sofa holding my children to me in a state of shock which almost gave way to hysterical laughter.But I didn't dare. Something wasn't right.
My phone rung again.This time I answered.The name of the girl I was cast as was Susan ,so I tried it.
" Susan here" I mumbled.It was Hayley Cropper again.
'Oh so it is you...I spoke to a girl earlier , she didn't know me,or you for that matter."True to screen character she guffawed down the phone. She said she wanted me to start Monday.I said yes.I didn't know what else to do. I think I'd decided to play along until I felt better . At least the children were happy.
Rita put the tea down on the coffee table and looked at me with just the right amount of concern for this scene, if indeed it was a scene and not some bloody awful dream I was suffering.
"Eeh , I don't know what you were drinking lastnight my dear but best you don't meddle with whatever it was again eh?" And off she went to do a jigsaw with the children .
I just sat there,dumbfounded ,sipping a welcome cup of tea hoping to God this most unwelcome episode of Coronation St would end . But suppose it didn't?
I went into survival mode ; I was warm. I wasn't hurt. The kids were OK, happy even ( which bothered me under the circumstances but I had no option but to let them be.)
And I was so tired again. I sat back into the dark brown dralon of Rita's sofa and finished my tea. Them closed my eyes again, just for a minute.